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In lab

Posted on March 23, 2014, 5:51 pm, M spotting F (Class/Lab/Academic). 18 comments. Mail  MIT

I saw you...working with me in lab. Over the past couple of months I've gotten to know and like you more and more and now I like you a lot. You're smart, mature, genuine, honest, and every time we're around each other I feel like I discover yet another way that we're alike.

I think you might like me too, but I don't know. Maybe it's not the same way. It's probably not. Logically I know I should ignore the way I feel. I should just be focused and professional and teach you what I can about our research. I should probably let you find some nice classmate and enjoy the rest of college and not think about you that way, etc., etc. "Office" romance rarely leads anywhere good in any job and that's not even the only consideration.

Except logic takes a backseat when I'm around you. You get to lab and it's "Oh neat, she's here, I wonder how her day has been." And then we work together for a few hours and at the end I want to spend more time with you and learn more about you and try to find out if you like me the way I like you. More than once I've been tempted to just say "I like you. Kind of a lot." I've never thought how nice it would feel just to hold someone's hand with anyone else.

Still though. Logic only takes a backseat because I let it. I should stop. You'll meet someone more appropriate for you or maybe you don't feel the same way and I'm just misinterpreting things and I'll end up feeling like crap and I should focus on my career anyway.

Whatever. Feelings are dumb and they make no sense. I'm probably just lonely.

  1. Posted at March 25, 2014, 12:03 am by M Mail

    JM?

  2. Posted at March 25, 2014, 5:10 pm by F MIT

    Why don't you try talking to her about it? If you're working directly with her, talk to her once the lab stuff is over so it doesn't make things awkward.

  3. Posted at March 25, 2014, 6:21 pm by F

    Have you already hung out with her one-on-one or showed any interest in her?

  4. Posted at March 26, 2014, 10:48 am by F MIT

    Probably better to not mention it until after she leaves the lab (or you know she will soon). If you're working with her directly and she doesn't like you that way, it really would ruin both your work and hers.

  5. Posted at March 26, 2014, 7:38 pm by M MailMIT

    1 - No

    2/4 - Probably true, although I have no idea how long that might be. I guess my concern there is if she leaves I don't have a place where I would regularly interact with her.

    3 - Yeah, we've hung out a few times outside of lab in a non-work, but not specifically romantic way. I'm not good at discerning what qualifies as "showing interest" since different people pick up on different things. I guess I would say I haven't shown outright interest, no.

  6. Posted at March 26, 2014, 8:42 pm by F MIT

    @5 she will probably give some indication that she's going to leave before she actually stops working there and you can talk to her then. i know at least one similar grad-urop relationship that has worked out that way.

    the sad fact is that it will most likely be more harmful to her work than to yours if it doesn't work out (possibly even if it does work out), both because she's the undergrad and because she's female.

  7. Posted at March 26, 2014, 11:00 pm by M MailMIT

    @5 Yeah, that's a valid point. It would be pretty inexcusable to negatively impact her opportunity in pursuit of a personal interest.

  8. Posted at March 27, 2014, 12:05 am by F MIT

    what course/lab are you in, though? no need to give specifics, but i'm curious since i've only seen this happen in a couple of departments

    -6

  9. Posted at March 27, 2014, 9:24 pm by M MailMIT

    @8 Heh, would give away the game, sorry. Some type of engineering :P

  10. Posted at March 28, 2014, 1:08 am by F MIT

    Have you talked to any other friends who have had student-teacher relationships or the like (on either side)?

    I would say that it's definitely inappropriate to ask her out or discuss this kind of attraction while you are actively involved with showing her labwork. It would be somewhat different if you were more like coworkers, but if she relies on you for instruction then adding a romantic element could hurt both of your work, and hers through no fault of her own.

    If you want to act, the options are: 1) you can quit teaching her, or 2) she can quit being your student.
    You have no control over (2) and shouldn't pressure her. BUT if she leaves voluntarily you are totally free to email her and say 'Hey, I hope everything's gone well for you! You really brightened up the lab, and I miss having you around. If you're interested, I'd love to get lunch together sometime and catch up.'. On the downside, you won't see her unless you reach out. But the plus - a big plus - is that if you reach out, there will be no more work-related rules to it.
    You do have control over (1). Don't quit your job over a girl who isn't certain to like you! But you could make the situation much more appropriate by finding a colleague etc who would be able take over your direct teaching duties (make whatever excuses you're comfortable with). If you ask her out, do make it clear that you have thought this through and found someone else to teach her temporarily/permanently if she prefers. As an authority figure, you have to offer her a way out - whether she takes it or not, if none is offered she will feel threatened.

    Finally, do consider the fact that the teacher-student dynamic causes people to see one another differently. She may feel odd about being romantically involved with someone older/in authority; you may find that your feelings change as you come to regard her as a whole person instead of just the side of herself she shows at work.
    This kind of risk happens in any relationship. Ask friends who have done it if you can, as well as isawyou. Follow your heart - but you're in a difficult situation, so don't follow it into too much trouble. Good luck!

  11. Posted at March 28, 2014, 10:40 pm by M MailMIT

    @10 Yeah, all valid points. It sucks since it's less straightforward to approach most relationships. I think. I don't even really know to be honest. I need to figure out how to ignore how I feel. Four or five or six months is too long to be stuck in limbo with something like that. She'll probably find someone by then.

    I dunno. Being lonely still sucks. You're right though; nobody benefits if she ends up losing out because of how I feel. I appreciate the advice in any case.

  12. Posted at March 28, 2014, 10:41 pm by M MIT

    to approach than* most relationships...

  13. Posted at March 30, 2014, 10:37 pm by F MIT

    @6 - why would a girl's work be more affected by a relationship or letdown than a guy's?

  14. Posted at March 30, 2014, 10:47 pm by M MIT

    @13 Position of authority/position in the lab, one might assume.

  15. Posted at April 3, 2014, 2:13 pm by F MIT

    @14 I mean, in the comment, it was "because she's the undergrad AND because she's female" [emphasis mine]. it's the latter that I have a problem with, brought up as distinct from the undergrad/lab position thing
    -13

  16. Posted at April 3, 2014, 10:35 pm by F MIT

    @13/15

    Depending on the culture and gender ratio of the lab she is in, it is possible that others in the lab will look badly on her for being the object of a graduate student's affection, or it may at least affect their perception of her work, even subconsciously. (Consider if she is a co-author on a paper with that grad student-- the degree of her "actual" contribution may be questioned.) From my perspective, this is more likely to happen for a female undergrad receiving male attention than a male undergrad receiving female attention (in which case the female grad student would most likely be looked upon unfavorably).

    I was not implying that female undergrads are more likely to become distracted or something, in case that's what bothered you.

    -6

  17. Posted at April 3, 2014, 10:38 pm by F MIT

    @13/15 And this has been reported anecdotally to be the case with female grad students in relationships with male grad students in the same lab as well, which is why I made it distinct from the girl's position as an undergrad.

    -6

  18. Posted at April 5, 2014, 8:00 pm by M

    She insists she only said no because she is wearing persume. You can tell immediately, right guys?